The Best in Writing: Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas

One of my favorite literary passages appears in the book Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins. This book could perhaps be best described as a mystical screwball comedy about the stock market. I know that’s a lot to accommodate as a concept, but Robbins handles it deftly. His dialogue is creative and funny, his deeply flawed characters are maddeningly well-developed and his plot is twisted, yet consistent. But this is not a book report, Dear Reader. This is my review of one jewel-like passage that outshines not only the rest of the book but also the complete works of many other authors.

Okay, that’s a lot of hyperbole, but now you may judge for yourself. The story is set in Seattle, that bastion of dampness (yes, they have a stock market there), and in one rather long but deliciously sensory paragraph, Robbins sums up the endless, permeating rain:

This is Seattle, the brief, bright spring has stalled, and the rains have returned. They have stolen down from the Sasquatch slopes. They have risen with the geese from the marshes. It rains a chattering of totem teeth. It rains a sweat lodge of ancient vapors. The city, with its office towers and electricity, has been somehow primitivized by the rain: every hue darkened, every wheel slowed, every view foreshortened, every modern, commercial mind-set turned in on itself, forced to rub shoulders with the old salamander who sleeps in the soul. Hour after hour, the rain will fall; apartments, decorated to be showplaces, will take on the character of burrows or nests; and espresso carts, the little pumping stations of Seattle’s lifeblood, will glow beneath their umbrellas like the huts of shamans. Drops spiral from every cornice, every antenna, every awning. Drops glisten on each plate-glass window, each tailgate, each inch of neon that sizzles in the mist. Dense, penetrating, and modifying, the rain narrows the gap between nature and civilization. Forgotten longings stir in the crack.

I love the way Robbins captures the relentlessness of the drenching Seattle rain. Indeed, the use of one long paragraph mimics the never-ending effect of an all-day soaking rain. The onomatopoeia of “a chattering of totem teeth” evokes the nonstop ticking of rain on every surface, and the metaphors of the sweat lodge of ancient vapors and the espresso carts like the huts of shamans keeps to the ancient and mystical theme of the rain “primitivizing” the modern city with its timeless embrace. More onomatopoeia: drops glisten, neon sizzles. Robbins ends the passage by restating the triumph of ancient Nature over the edifices of modernity and the awakening of the deeper self, perhaps the “old salamander who sleeps in the soul”. In my personal opinion, this is masterful, and I hope you enjoyed it, too.

Other literary reviews you might enjoy: 

https://bucketofuseful.blogspot.com/2022/02/review-of-duma-key-by-stephen-king.html

https://bucketofuseful.blogspot.com/2022/05/a-review-of-boston-darkens-by-michael.html

https://bucketofuseful.blogspot.com/2022/02/review-of-historian-by-elizabeth-kostova.html

Image Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/water-dew-in-clear-glass-panel-125510/

How to Avoid Tricky Grammar Mistakes: Confusing Plurals

 

I was watching a financial show on CNBC, and Eric, an executive with the Siemens company, was a guest on the program. He was a pulled-together chap, generally well-spoken, but he said something that made me want to write another "Grammar Mistakes" article. There are a lot of grammar and usage pitfalls in English, a language cobbled together from many other languages, each with their own sets of rules and pronunciation and spelling. I get it; it's hard. That's why your Grammar Diva is here to help you!

So, what was it that Eric said that made my toes curl, but not in the good way? He used the word "processes". And he used it correctly, more or less. The "less" part is that he pronounced it "process-eeze". 

I hear this kind of thing all too often. People who are intelligent and well-educated can frequently make this error--especially when trying to sound intelligent and well-educated, ironically enough--because they are aware that some plural words do indeed end in an "eeze" sound, when ending in -es. However, these words are few and far between. The staggering majority of words that end in -es, for example, actresses, convalescences, sentences, seances, buttresses, glasses, continuances, senses, and yes, processes, are pronounced the easy way. Just say "es" with that schwa sound and a soft (sibilant) or hard (like a "z") "s". I don't think anyone thinks "actresses" is pronounced "actresseeze", and you can safely assume most other -es words also do not follow that pattern.

 Well, which ones do, then? Obviously there are a few out there, setting a confusing example. Words ending in -is, such as "crisis", "synopsis", and "diagnosis" are the main culprits, as these words change to an -es ending in their plural form that is indeed pronounced "-eeze"; hence, "crises" (KRY-seez), "synopses" (sin-OP-seez), and "diagnoses" (DY-ag-NOH-seez). 

By the way, please don't confuse "synopses" with "synapses", whose -es ending is pronounced the normal, non-eezy way (SIN-app-sez). Also please note that the -es ending is not an addition to these words; it is a change, from -is to -es, plain and simple. I cannot begin to count how many times I have heard some poor soul utter the word "crisises" (pronounced "crisis-eeze", of course).

Another group of words that takes the "-eeze" ending in the plural form are words ending in -ex, such as "index" (indices) and "vortex" (vortices). So, if you hear someone referring to "heat indices", she has not lost her mind, she is just being learned. That said, however, it is perfectly okay to say "indexes" and "vortexes", according to Merriam-Webster and other sources. Also apparently according to my Spell Check, which is furiously underlining the -ices words. Suck it up, Spell Check! (Click here for my love/hate relationship with SpellCheck: https://bucketofuseful.blogspot.com/2017/10/why-you-should-never-trust-spell-check.html)

So, to recap: Words whose singular form ends in -is take the -es ending that is pronounced "eeze". Words whose singular forms end in -ex can, but do not have to, take the -ices ending that is pronounced "iss-eeze", as in "indices" (IND-iss-eeze) and "vortices" (VORT-iss-eeze), mentioned above. All other words ending in -ces, -ses or -sses are pronounced the normal way, with a short "e," or really a schwa sound, and a sibilant (hissing) "s" or "z" sound, not a long "e" and a "z" sound. 

In other words, it's very rare that you will be using the "eeze" ending. When in doubt, go with the non-fancy pronunciation.

So pleeeeeze, dispense with the unnecessary "eeze"! Your Grammar Diva thanks you.

Image credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/portrait-photo-of-woman-in-red-top-wearing-black-framed-eyeglasses-standing-in-front-of-white-background-thinking-3762807/

Movie Review - Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013)

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters is the sequel to 2010's Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief, both based on books from a wildly popular YA fiction series penned by Rick Riordan. This film has rather unfortunate ratings: 5.7/10 on IMDb, 42% on Rotten Tomatoes, and a paltry 39% on Metacritic. These are well-deserved, because as we know, the success of a book may not guarantee the success of a movie. And boy, did they take an appealing concept, likable characters and great special effects and completely ruin it with a script that stank.

I don't want to give spoilers, here, so I will try to be kind of vague, although I will state unequivocally that I would not recommend watching this movie. It's 106 minutes of your life that you can't get back; I'm just saying.

Throughout the entire movie, characters who are supposedly on an urgent quest to save not only the world in general, but the life of a very special individual in particular, show no sense of urgency in getting there. They stop to ask questions or get backstory when they could be actually moving right along while doing that. In one particularly urgent case, Percy stops to have a bonding moment when he could be quickly sprinting the last ten feet or so to prevent something that could destroy the world.

At other times, characters seem ridiculously oblivious: When Percy is pursued by a threat to the demigod kids' camp, he faces it down alone, even though everyone in camp could (and should) be rushing to his aid. After all, they're all demigods and should be well-qualified to assist him.  Indeed, when he returns to camp, no one even asks him what happened! 

There are plenty of other complete lapses in judgment and utterly stunning flubs: One character asks for help catching the bad guy's yacht while Percy seems helpless and hopeless, and yet soon after, we see that he had more than enough personal power to do that on his own. And an island and a whirlpool that were firmly established in the waters around ancient Greece show up in the Bermuda Triangle, of all places. Yikes!

The whole thing is just a mess. The producers who approved Marc Guggenheim's plothole-ridden screenplay should be slapped twice, and director Thor Freudenthal, who stuck with it instead of spotting the obvious inconsistencies, should be sent to bed without supper. It's mortifying, and I'm sure Rick Riordan can't be too pleased. The movie clearly sets up another installment to follow, but this sequel was such a wild mess that no more movies have been made. The popularity of the books remain, though, and there have since been some shorts, an animated, feature, and a miniseries. Apparently, a TV series is in production and planned for release in 2024. Let's hope it doesn't insult our intelligence like Sea of Monsters, which would be better off sinking back under the surface without a trace. 

Here are some reviews of things I didn't hate:

https://bucketofuseful.blogspot.com/2016/04/review-of-kaiser-chiefs-cd-yours-truly.html

https://bucketofuseful.blogspot.com/2020/02/my-review-of-beyond-thickburger-from.html

https://bucketofuseful.blogspot.com/2022/02/review-of-historian-by-elizabeth-kostova.html

Image Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/underwater-photo-of-bubbles-15537421/

What is SEO, and How Can It Help Me Earn Money?

If you have your own website or work as an online content producer who earns money for page views, you understand that the money part is all about website traffic, or how many people visit and view the content (and, therefore, the ads). On some content production sites, writers can get some income from socializing with each other and earn money that way, but the real money is in outside traffic. There are already millions, if not billions, of internet users out there from whom you can draw views, if you know the secrets of SEO to increase your traffic.

Just What is SEO, Exactly?

SEO stands for "search engine optimization". It refers specifically to how easy your website is to find by using a search engine like Google or Bing. Search engine optimization relies on the use of various techniques, including the use of keywords, which are words that are likely to be entered into the search engine by the person who is looking for information. 

For example, a person who is planning to travel to Mexico for the first time and wants to make sure they book a decent hotel sight unseen may enter the following search criteria: "hotel reviews Guadalajara Mexico". If your website features reviews of hotels in Guadalajara, you will want to feature those keywords prominently enough for the search engine to bring your website up near the top of the search results.

How Does SEO Benefit Me?

As you can imagine, there are a lot of websites out there fighting for real estate on the search results pages. Some popular terms can bring up literally millions of hits on Google, and potential customers certainly won't waste their time checking more than the first page or two of results. The use of SEO practices can increase your visibility and thereby your traffic. Even your website's URL can influence how easily potential business can find you.

Image credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-holding-100-us-dollar-banknotes-2068975/

How about Some Home-Grown Olive Oil? It Could Save Your Health--and the Planet

Like many people around the world, I use olive oil for cooking, not only because it is healthy, but also because it is yummy. I wouldn't use it to make cookies or brownies, but it's just perfect for anything savory, from meat to veggies to omelets. Olive oil consumption in the United States has been rising steadily because of people like me, who heard about the health benefits, tried it, and liked it. The United States imports nearly 300,000 tons of olive oil every year. That's a whole lot of pesto, yes?

Thing is, we can actually make olive oil right here in this country, and we do. I always pictured the olive as an exotic Mediterranean fruit (yep, it's a fruit--has a pit and grows on trees, just like cherries!), but I have recently found out that we produce about 12,000 tons of olive oil annually right here in this country. In the state of Texas, for example, olive oil production has grown from zero in 2002 to 54 tons in 2012, and the number of olive trees is estimated to have grown from 250,000 in 2012 to 1,500,000 in 2013, according to a report released by the University of Texas at San Antonio. The Texas Association of Olive Oil (TXAOO), established in 2016, works with the Texas Department of Agriculture, Texas A&M AgriLife and the American Olive Oil Producers Association to combine all segments of the olive industry together in one organization to effectively work to promote and develop the Texas olive oil industry.

I am personally happy to hear this: As we know, Texas has long been devoted to oil production of a different kind, and with the use of fossil fuels such a major contributor to global climate change, some drastic swings toward renewable energy will eventually have to be made. Right now, the oil and gas boom is bigger than ever within the United States, as we try to become less dependent on foreign imports, but it is necessary to move away from that, for a brighter (and cleaner!) future. Texas is developing renewable industries, such as solar arrays and wind fields, but conservatives are fighting against federal funding for such projects. I don't think anyone is raising objections to olive farming, however, so before the fossil-fuel-based economy collapses, let's get something else going. Something that feels better.

Something that smells better!

Image Credit » http://pixabay.com/en/olives-olive-tree-olive-tree-287687/

The Largest Seed in the World

Since I wrote about the smallest seed in the world ( click here for that ), I thought it only fitting that I would also tell you of the largest seed in the world, which is the Coco de Mer, or "sea coconut". With the Latin name of Lodoicea maldivica , it is the seed of a palm tree native to the Seychelles islands, which are located in the Indian Ocean, northeast of Madagascar, off the eastern coast of the African continent.

Unlike the orchid Aerides odorata, which is found throughout the Asian continent (although endangered), the Coco de Mer is only found on two of the islands in the Seychelles, having gone extinct from the three others on which it was formerly found. Unfortunately, the Coco de Mer is also on IUCN's Red List as a species in danger of extinction.

The Coco de Mer can grow to be 44 pounds, which is the typical average weight of a six-year-old child, so that's a very big seed! And the Coco de Mer seed takes longer than a child to get to that weight, too: it can take up to ten years for the Coco de Mer seed to mature! So there you have it; now you know about the biggest seed in the world and the smallest seed in the world. 

Image credit: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_coco_de_mer_growth.jpg

The Smallest Seed in the World

There are 300,000 species of seed-bearing plants in the world that we know of. Among these, the smallest seed belongs to an orchid known as Aerides odorata . This flowering plant lives in areas across China, Southeast Asia, and the Phillippines, preferring a rainforest-type habitat. The seed of the Aerides odorata is only 0.2 millimeters in length. That may be a little hard to picture, so here is more of a visual: It takes over three million Aerides odorata seeds to make up one gram--3,300,000, to be exact! The seed is truly miniscule--almost microscopic!

Unfortunately, due to habitat loss, this fragile orchid is on the IUCN Red List of endangered species, so we need to try to do all we can to prevent more destruction of native subtropical and tropical forests, or the beautiful orchid with the world's smallest seeds may become extinct.

And now click here for the world's BIGGEST seed!

Image credit https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Aerides_odorata0.jpg